Ok so I haven’t published my first blog post ( I did just a while ago) but as a few things
have gone on lately I needed to write it all down. I asked myself why am I writing this
blog. I think as a mom and a teacher I
feel like sometimes no one listens to me, so maybe I need an outlet where at
least someone is listening. It may be a
random person from Eureka, Kansas but like I have said before, I need
validation. I think all humans need validation, but different degrees and some people cannot, or perhaps will not admit that.
Things I have learned about myself and really been thinking
a lot about lately are:
I am impatient, not a great quality to have. I do not want to spend time doing things with people I do
not like, do not respond to texts or phone calls, people that “ghost” you, etc.
If you do not have time for me, adios..I make time for tons of people and
sometimes I get left out. I would rather take all that excess time and energy that I spend
on people who could give a shit less about me or my family and do something for
myself. I think I get really grumpy when I don’t get down time. Down time is not my drive to and from work or
when I sleep, it is time that I can devote to something for me.
People hide what is really going on in their lives. As I
said in my previous post everything is sunshine and roses on FB and IG. Realty
is probably nothing like the selfie we take from an angle and add a filter and
we look thinner and younger. I think it
bothers me. I am not in denial about my life. Have there been times in my life
where I was? Yes, shit happens and it isn’t anyone’s business what happens
every minute but we portray this false reality.
I guess a lot of these feelings really started after I had
Sam. I had a terrible pregnancy ( for me). I did not have a rosy glow, my face was
probably red from being dehydrated or throwing up for 20 weeks solid. Nothing
stayed down. I listened to all my friends and tried all sorts of remedies and
none of it worked. I had terrible motion sickness, my Dr. was at USF and we
lived about an hour away with traffic. I had my head in a toilet or a bag way
too much.
At about 22 weeks
when we found out Sam was going to be a boy, they told us he had some pretty
serious complications with his kidneys. At the time we didn’t know how serious
but enough to shake me to the core. The day after we found out I had
gestational diabetes. I went on insulin 2 weeks later and because of my dose I
would have really low blood sugar and fall asleep, where I couldn’t wake up. I
could not be left alone, I could not drive and I became resentful of all the
people who tried to help me because I couldn’t do it on my own.
I was 34 and needed a babysitter. I knew I had to do
whatever the Dr. told me because I was now in constant fear for my unborn
child. I was told if I kept my diabetes
under control I could give birth at 37 weeks. From about 30 weeks on I had
weekly stress tests at the hospital, 2 times a week. 37 weeks came and passed
and we waited until I was 38.5 weeks pregnant and I was brought in on a
Wednesday and induced. 24 hours later after what the Dr. said was “failure to
progress”, I had a C –section, Sam was born. Not without excitement, Dan and I
didn’t see Sam at the beginning or hear him cry because the umbilical cord was
wrapped around his neck, albeit loosely, but just enough to get our hearts
pumping.
The next day a Dr. from St. Joe’s came in and said they
needed a scan of Sam’s kidneys, They would need to catheterize him and shoot
radioactive dye into him. I was still not walking because my epidural hadn’t
worn off so my mom went with him. The doctor came up with the report and told
me Sam would need emergency surgery. We spoke to the pediatrician and decided
we needed to meet with a urologist. Sam did need surgery but it wound up being
15 months later, but alas that is another story.
We went home on Sunday and I was having trouble nursing. I
was pumping and giving him formula. About 8 days after Sam was born I had a
really high fever and thought I was having a panic attack. It was a really bad
UTI and allergic to a lot of antibiotics. I had to pump and dump for weeks on
end. It came back 3 times before an antibiotic worked. I allowed people to make me feel badly about
not being able to nurse and I started to
cry, a lot, all the time at night, the smallest thing overwhelmed me. I could provide for my child, I could not take
care of the house. It became so bad Dan had to bring me to my moms and the next
day to my OB. I went on meds and started
to feel better. My friends told me it was the baby blues, but it was so much
worse. Why did people discredit the way
I was feeling? Why did I not know of anyone I was friends with having post-partum
depression? It was like it didn’t exist, which didn’t help me feel any better
about myself.
My friends all “seemed” like they had perfect pregnancies.
No issues and they loved being pregnant.
They could all nurse and all their children were perfect. They could balance work and home and
basically do everything.
I wish I would have had someone to talk to about all of this. I make sure to talk about it now to people who ask or share a story. These are the things we should talk about because it is important. Moms need other moms who are struggling to help them cope with the everyday things that maybe make being a mom, um not so much fun.
