A baby sister

So the day before Sam's birthday I was thinking to myself did we make a mistake in only having one child. My pregnancy was far from the worst in the world but just as far from the best as well. Dan and I made a decision that we would make a decision by the time Sam was two. Sam turning 2 came quicker than we both expected and Sam had already had 2 surgeries at this point, he was not really talking and I had gone back to the classroom. I am pretty sure the first time Sam was in recovery from his surgery and wasn't waking up so easily Dan and I decided we were done.

I remember when I was younger I thought I wanted 10 kids. I must have been on drugs.  I don't even know how I could fathom that. I did not get married until I was almost 30 and did not have Sam until I was 35. My perinatologist really made me feel terrible about my weight, and age when I became pregnant.  I am super sensitive pretty much about everything when I am not pregnant, when I was growing a human these things did not make me feel any better about my already rough pregnancy. At 20 weeks I was told there was something very  wrong with my unborn child's kidneys.  Scary shit. Loads of tests and guilt, so much guilt. ( P.S. not pregnant now and the guilt is still there)

I was worried that if we did have a 2nd he/she could have the same or worse kidney issues or god forbid something worse. I threw up from 6 weeks until 26 weeks, so much that I rotted my teeth out and had 8 cavities,  gestational diabetes, I had terrible post partum depression and was not sure how I could take care of the son I had already. I knew work would be impossible if I had a pregnancy like Sam's and financially I knew we couldn't take a hit.

Dan and I talk about if we had another child and did we make a mistake. I think Dan would have liked to have more kids. He says he saw how I was pregnant and had a hard time watching me like I was.  He is the oldest of 6.

We had genetic testing  done last  spring, here is more guilt. Sam has an extra arm on his 22 X chromosome ( guess who that comes from??) Dr. Udell told me not to read too much into it but it could unlock some of Sam's issues (kidney, poor immune system, allergies, low cholesterol, etc.). I cried a little bit the day I read the report.  Sam thank god did not look like any of the kids in the database but I did think what if we did have a 2nd child.

They say the average family with a child on the spectrum spends $60,000 a year on treatment, on therapy, etc.  I know that if we had had another child and possibly another ASD child we would have not made it financially.  I know money is not the most  important thing but when therapy is $400 an hour and insurance is $300 a month for your child, you start to think of the $ signs.

Later that day Sam wakes up and asks for a baby sister.  Ok I didn't know what it say.  It was as if he had read my mind. I made him ask daddy in the car. He giggled and said it. I was a little heartbroken because I think we made the right decision but maybe we didn't.